Grilling: Cooking for the Culinary Impaired

What is it about grilling that just makes you thrilled to be preparing your food instead of eating it? Could it be the close connection with the most primitive form of food preparation? Could it be the wonderful fresh air you breathe in as you cook? Is it the slow, yet careful process of getting your food of choice just right, so it tastes like it was taken from the great halls of the Greek gods? Or maybe it's just nice to get out of the darn kitchen every now and then. Whatever the reason, there will always be a special place in our hearts for the art of grilling.

My introduction to grilling was in the woods over a stone-enclosed dirt pit: camping. Camping and grilling go together like peas and carrots. I was taught at an early age that when camping, all food must be prepared over a fire. "There will be no cereal for you young man, you're getting bacon and eggs," my mother most likely said every summer in New Hampshire. No complaints here.

Cooking over a campfire can be tricky if not done properly. First, one must ensure that the fire is neither too high nor too low. Getting the flame to the proper height takes some skill and practice. After that, it's pretty easy. By age 8, I was going Emeril all over that spit. No more hot dog on a stick life for me, I got to cook steaks, vegetables, water for tea and hot chocolate, toast, potato chips... hey, I was a kid, you never know what's going to taste good once sufficiently charred.

As time went on, and patience waned, we started using a Coleman stove: a portable propane-fueled version of a traditional stovetop. This made life easier for making, say, a bagel, which would burn easily over an open fire if not tended carefully. Put the old Coleman on low heat, throw a slab of butter into the pan, and in minutes you've got a lightly toasted masterpiece.

Well, we loved our grilling so much, that we bought an indoor electric grill. Pancakes were the food of choice to make on this invention of grilliance. Since it had a greater surface area than any pan in the house, it made cooking a great stack of flapjacks a piece of cake. The danger, however, with an indoor grill is that it requires ample countertop clearance from anything potentially flammable or meltable. Unlike the stove, which generally creates its own boundaries between the cooking area and the rest of the kitchen, the electric grill is usually put on a surface that sees very little action when it comes to "hot stuff." So choosing your surface wisely will ensure that you don't have to tell mom "We didn't start the fire..."

In college, we had the mini-grill. Either charcoal or propane-fueled, the Hibachi was a gift from the gods on many weekends. Made to be set up safely just about anywhere outside, this grill was capable of keeping our starved little mouths full when the dining halls said "closed," and the Dominoes stopped answering their phone. It is with due diligence that I caution against operating one of these while in a state unfit for your seminar class.... if you know what I mean.

Finally, there's the "man's grill." This is the staple of many a midwestern home's back patio. Its name is derived from the fact that it has the tendency to evoke strong testosterone-driven behavior amongst men. "Mine's bigger and better" is usually the topic of conversation whilst hovering over a neighbor's outdoor oven at a barbecue. We take pride in having the best fire pit on the block, possibly passed down from our cave-dwelling ancestors: the bigger the fire, the more access to resources you must have (the amount of wood needed, the fact that you have enough food to necessitate such a fire, the size of the family you're cooking for demonstrating your virility, etc.). So when we got to our new house, my roommates and I scoured our Lowes to find the best grill we could get (read: afford). Since that late morning, July the fourth, when I hastily put together this massive machine of multiple metals, only to finish minutes before guests arrived, we have been enjoying the benefits of having the best grill on the block by the flocking of friends and neighbors to our cookouts and the gifts of food and drink that accompany it.

1. If you smell rubber burning, your shoes are on fire. Step away from the campfire and do the twist in loose dirt. Come on baby, just do the twist.
2. It is better to cook too slowly than to cook too quickly. Burned food cannot be unburned. Undercooked food can be re-heated.
3. Don't EAT the undercooked food. Be patient and put it back on the flame. Remember: grilling is about enjoying good food and being outdoors. In short, grillin' is chillin'
4. The grill will remain hot even when no flame or heat source is present. If you find yourself repeatedly burning your hands on still-hot heating devices, consider duct taping oven mitts to your hands and wear your scarlet letters with the shame you've so justly deserved at the amusement of your friends.
5. If you have a nice "man's grill" chain it up. Grill envy has caused many a prized possession to be larcenied. "If you love her, let her go," is NOT applicable here.
6. In addition to a chain, get a cover for your "man's grill." It will keep it from rusting and help deter forest foes from holing up inside your lover.
7. If you're having a barbecue bash, complete with adult beverages, please, please, be sure to have a designated griller. Alas, my words fall on deaf ears, so I will say this: there is no shame in having a friend take your spatula and apron from you, pat you on the back and say "Buddy, you're done."